I don’t want to want someone for the reason that I do not have you anymore. How embarrassing could my thought process possibly become…
I sometimes want to believe that you still think of me, knowing that you actually have no trace of me in your thoughts.
Maybe most times, the most painful things in life aren’t able to be put into words. So how could you communicate such feelings without the means? I don’t think you can. But it is the attempt to understand such pain that grasps the soul so tightly, leading you to believe that they very well may just be the one person whom you “love”.
I am not to be cynical, but I have come to believe myself, that the people I love are the ones who just simply try.
I also believe that I had fallen in love. I believe that some piece of my cognitive understanding of the world will always remain intervened by and affected by the thought and experiences through you. I fell into this whirlwind of emotions and attachment built upon your eagerness to understand things about me that were presumed by all else. Never in my life had I had someone who took the time out to look at me silently - to try to gauge the characteristics that made up who I was as an individual. I think I fell in love because I had met someone who would continuously attempt to understand me as much as I did them… The magnitude of emotions I felt through being with you has not been replaced, and I am afraid that it will never be replaced. I need reassurance in my life as I continue to pursue a future to support others, and as of now I do not feel a breeze of any like presence. I do not want to need or rely on an “outsider”, but many think the same. Is independence to the degree of avoidance considered strength? I feel it is unnecessary yet inevitable to hit this dilemma. I don’t know how to have sex without feelings, I don’t know how to see without looking, I don’t understand how people are able to up and leave, I don’t understand what I don’t understand, and I want it to pass me by. I want to enjoy the greatness of what life has to offer, I do not need it to be tainted by the essence of the past… How do I make that happen…
I just spoke to someone from my university’s Residential Life staff about canceling my meal plan because I’ve moved into an apartment with a kitchen and also can’t afford 5K for food annually… Just got a solid “NO” (in a rude tone as if my situation and inquiry was just wasting his time) and that’s about it… Told him about how it was a huge financial burden but still got a solid “NO” with absolutely no sympathy or tone of understanding/compassion. This rule is I’m sorry to say, STRAIGHT STU. Besides the fact that I could get by on food under 1K having a kitchen and Costco, why do we have to pay 5x’s that amount?!
I’M HERE FOR EDUCATION. NOT TO GET JIPPED OUTTA MY MY MOM’S RETIREMENT FUND, WHEN THERE IS A CLEAR ALTERNATE SOLUTION. COME ON WILLAMETTE PLEASE WORK WITH ME.
P.S. the same guy spoke to me in the same tone last semester about a rooming issue I brought up. I like to think that I am generally a nice person who doesn’t go in demanding anything, but this guy, oh man, he makes me want to scream in his face irrationally. I can understand if it isn’t possible to bend the rules, because rules are rules for a reason, but attention needs to be given to how he as an individual communicates with students about those details as well is this absurd 5K demand when we have a kitchen to COOK!
He’s probably a very nice person when you don’t face him with a problem that needs answering, but frankly I don’t appreciate the way he speaks to me and his lack of compassion AT ALL.